D-Bag Alert!!

The sad reality of life is that most D-bags do not realize that they are D-bags. It’s true. You might be a D-bag and not even know it. In fact, the chances of that are pretty good. (Lack of self-awareness is another major D-bag feature.) So to help you clear things up, here are 10 signs that you just might be a D-bag…

1. You Wear a Suit When You Don’t Have To

A popular one with the “I pretend to have a better life than I actually do” D-bag. If you have ever worn a suit and didn’t have to go to work or a wedding, you’re the guy who likes to make himself feel better based on his wardrobe, ignoring his awful life choices making you…a D-bag.

Exceptions: It’s OK to wear a suit after you have been acquitted of a felony and are going to celebrate.

2. You Have Taken An Art History Class

If you have ever taken an art history class, then you probably spend your days at Starbucks, watching old Italian movies, and organizing war protests on Facebook making you a pretentious artsy…D-bag.

Exceptions: All the other classes were full – and you hate Fellini films.

3. You Like The Music Of The Police

If you’re a man, and have ever bought a Police album, gone to a Police concert, or enjoyed listening to “Behind My Camel” then you probably also enjoy "alternative" bars and watching golf. The jury is no longer out on you…you’re a D-bag.

Exceptions: You’re a woman.

4. Your Hair Is Standing Straight Up

If you spend more of your night styling your hair than you do sleeping, you also wear jeans with intentional tears in them, wax your chest, and spray tan. If the look you are going for is “Growing Up Gotti” then you are undoubtedly a huge D-bag.

Exceptions: If you accidentally fell into a vat of hair gel, you get a pass.

5. You Wear A Wool Hat In The Summer

Once again, a popular one with the pretentious artsy D-bag. You probably complete the look with an ironic scarf and screw anyone that thinks you’re stupid for wearing it in the middle of summer. You sir, are a D-bag.

Exceptions: You’re Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia.

6. You Use The Word “Hella”

There are a number of words D-bags use but “hella” is undoubtedly the most infuriating because they replace every word with it. If you have ever used the word “hella,” you’re a hella D-bag.

Exceptions: If you used the word while saying “If you say ‘hella’ one more time I’ll kick you in the shin.”

7. You Have Tied Yourself To A Tree

If you have ever tied yourself to a tree to try to save it, you deserve to be cut down with the tree. There are trillions of other trees in the world, the one you tied yourself to is meaningless… D-bag.

Exceptions: You were trying to get a girl.

8. You Wear A Tilted Cap

If you’re not Jay-Z, you’re only going to look like a D-bag…which…is what you are if you wear you hat at a tilt. That includes C.C. Sabathia, and I am a Yankees fan.

Exceptions: You have won a Source Award.

9. You Car Has Spinning Rims

Your wheels have spinning rims, your sound system cost more than your Escalade, and you spend a month’s salary on gas. You’re a spinning D-bag.

Exceptions: It’s your mom’s car.

10. You Like M. Night Shyamalan Films

He’s made one good movie and you watch his crap movies religiously. That includes having seen Lady in the Water and The Happening. You are actually a bigger D-bag than he is.

Exceptions: None. He is awful.