Going down like a Led Zeppelin...

Imagine you have a friend who has a budget problem. Every month he spends more than he earns. His credit card bills are piling up. He is clearly on an unsustainable path. Then one day he comes to you with an idea.

Friend: I am going to take off a few days from work and fly down to Bermuda for a quick vacation.

You: But isn't that expensive? Won't that just add to your growing debts?

Friend: Yes, it is expensive. But my plan is deficit-neutral. I have decided to give up that half-caf, extra-shot caramel macchiato I order at Starbucks twice every day. I really don't need that expensive drink. And if I give it up for the next three years, it will pay for my Bermuda trip.


You: Well, then, how are you going to solve the problem of your growing debts?

Friend: I am going to figure that out as soon as I return from Bermuda.

You: But in light of your budget problem, maybe you should give up Starbucks and skip the Bermuda vacation. Giving up Starbucks could be the easiest way to start balancing your budget.

Friend: You really are an asshole, you know that?


This conversation is meant to illustrate why claims of deficit-neutrality in the healthcare reform bill should not give much comfort to those worried about the U.S. fiscal situation. Even if you believe that the spending cuts and tax increases in the bill make it deficit-neutral, the legislation will still make solving the problem of the fiscal imbalance harder, because it will use up some of the easier ways to close the shortfall. The remaining options will be less attractive, making the eventual fiscal adjustment more painful.

Wake up America, and realize the current 1 trillion dollar Healthcare bill being debated is NOTHING LESS than an attempt by socialist democrats to control 1/6 of the US Economy. ANY talk about ANYTHING else is simply hot air.

Destruction of a Nation!

It's been a while since I last blogged, but I just had to get this off my chest...

For those of you who follow politics like I do, you no doubt have been hearing about President Obama's plan for national healthcare overhaul. I think the current bill is toxic for SO MANY reasons, and most of America does as well...

Taking that into account, the President, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid are talking about doing something virtually unheard of and unconstitutional: passing legislation without even voting on it! That's right folks. The Slaughter Solution! Passing legislation that would account for 1/6th of our ENTIRE ECONOMY, against the will of the people. But let me tell you this gang....

Its all smoke and mirrors.

Pelosi doesn't (yet) have the votes to pass the senate bill, or she already would have held the vote.

Therefore, all this talk of inevitability is just a bluff. The President delaying his trip? Bluff. Pelosi's "we have the votes"? Bluff. They know the clock is ticking so they HAVE to (repeat HAVE to) create the impression of inevitability. Anything else at this point would be a concession of defeat.

In *that* light, the "Slaughter" shenanigan is just another bluff. At this point it seems clear to careful observers that the House simply CAN not pass the unamended Senate version. So this is a way of getting around that impression. Its a way of offering the slightest fig leaf to anyone on the fence, and to convince anyone who rightfully SHOULD be skeptical that the Dems don't have the votes here, that just maybe they do.

Also, frankly, there is no downside to Pelosi or Obama for "passing" this sh#$-sandwich illegal via the Slaughter trick. For them, its a no-lose situation.

If the law passes, and it survives a Supreme Court challenged, they win.
If the law passes, and it does NOT survive a Supreme Court challenge, they can blame it on the "Conservative" court. "We tried, but the damn partisan court struck this down". Kind of like blaming the Supreme Court for the Bush victory over Al Gore.
If the law doesn't pass, nobody can legitimately accuse them of not trying every last possible trick/procedure to get it done.

Folks, I wasn't lying when I told you back in November '08 that this guy was unqualified to be President of the United States. Thankfully, more and more Americans are seeing this every day. Sure George Bush wasnt perfect, especially with his spending. But this Obama character is spending us into bankruptcy. And something tells me this is exactly what he wants...

I just hope and pray the damage already done can be fixed before we sink into another European malaise.

Superfluous Button Pushing!

Been a while since posting random musings, but here's one:

Considering that my diet consists mainly of Jimmy Dean, Chef Boyardee and leftovers, it's easy to guess which one of your standard, supposedly convenient, household appliances an individual like myself would likely value most. Why the hell do I have to push a "time cook" button to tell the microwave I am ready to heat something up?

I am obviously not punching in missile coordinates or trying to make a long distance phone call. I am trying to heat up my Hungry Man or a tube sock filled with Vaseline as quickly as possible and I do not appreciate all this superfluous button pushing. It's bad enough I have to take out and stir my Lean Cuisine half way through its cook time and let my Hot Pocket cool for three minutes so molten cheese doesn't drip out like battery acid, delicious, delicious battery acid.

The people who design these household appliances must really have no idea who they are making this product for, nor how truly lazy I am.

Maybe some market research would enlighten them to the fact that I walk around my house with a flashlight because all my bulbs are burned out and I'm too lazy to change them. I throw my silverware out after using it because I am too lazy to do the dishes. I would even rather sit through the second half of a Tyler Perry movie than look for the remote that's lost somewhere in the couch cushions.

But no.

I have to stand in my kitchen and heatedly stare at my microwave like it were an idiot working his first day at Arby's, putting yet another hindrance between me and my immediate gratification.

Muy Burrrito!

Most people can agree that few things in this world are better than a handcrafted burrito. Moe's out in East Boca is literally mouth watering. I am like Pavlov's dog just thinking about that place...

However, within the inveterate burrito preparing system lies a fundamental design flaw, which eats away at me while I eat away at my burrito. More often than not, the contents of burritos are not evenly distributed throughout. Let me explain...

As much as I enjoy large bites composed entirely of cheese, I spend the majority of my meal piecing bites together in my mouth from all ends of the burrito in search for the perfect mix; that one perfect bite.

Of course I never find it.

At the end of the meal, I am stuffed, yet unsatisfied; kind of like the girls I used to try and date in 8th grade.

I suppose I could have gotten a burrito bowl or cut my burrito with a fork and knife, you know, like a European, but it’s just not the same. Why can’t they just mix up the contents prior to construction and just put an end to this chaotic madness.

Why?!

Pocket Rocket Dial!

I’m home on a Saturday night watching a Golden Girls marathon when my phone begins to vibrate. Could it be? Some one wants to hang out? Obviously not. Someone’s Blackberry just accidentally called me from their pocket or handbag. I’ve never gone from feeling so cool to feeling like such a loser since Steve Balbonos dared me to jump off the balcony at his house party in 8th grade. Like a senior citizen getting prank called, I yell into the phone like a 'tard until I eventually realize what’s going on. They don’t want to hang out at all. Well, maybe if I listen for a while I can pick up on some juicy gossip. Damn it, I can’t really make out what they’re saying. Oh...well maybe the episode where Blanche acts all sexy will come on soon.

The saddest part is that out of frustration I eventually stop answering those calls, even though maybe, just maybe, some girl might be drunk dialing me. I guess we’ll never know.

Know what other phone issues that annoy me?? The weird text message picture I can never seem to open and my neighbor who comes over and is always asking if I have a charger for a phone they stopped making 3 years ago.

Just wanted to put that out there. Ahh, feel much better.

Da Plane!

I don’t want to get into too much here about airplane pilots because most of it’s already been said by others, all of who are way more insightful and funnier than myself. Yet there is something to be said about this new trend of commercial airline pilots laying their comedic shtick on me while I am trying to watch the music video for Mr.Roboto on VH1 classic or, listen to my Aerosmith tunes.

I can appreciate the effort of trying to adhere to your PR firms advice and make the passengers feel welcome and relaxed, but if I hear one more joke like “Turn off all cell phones, Blackberrys, blueberries and strawberries” I might just pull that lever in the exit row, like I’ve always kind of wanted to, and drop us all out of the sky.

The frustrating part is that there is so much potential for humor. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.” Know what I am saying?!!? “Get off my plane!” “Folks, do you like movies about gladiators?” And pretty much any line from Top Gun would strike comedic gold. Those I could deal with, and actually laugh at!

But at the end of the day, these pilots are exactly that, PILOTS!
So shut up and just fly the plane so I can continue watching Gossip Girls uninterrupted.

Thank you.

Softball Peeps We All Know!

Company/Co-Ed softball teams are like the cast of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporor: they're comprised of a bunch of sweaty idiots who are all trying really hard to accomplish something that nobody really cares about. Let me preface this column by saying, non of this is based on MY TEAM. This is, ya know, things seen here and there over the years of competitive softball that seems to be what every team has. So with that, here are those people you're bound to run into if you play co-ed softball...

The Guy Who Takes It Way Too Seriously

In any recreational sporting event, there's always one guy that takes it way too seriously. He's the guy who's always going balls out, no matter what. In basketball, he's the one who fouls and cries foul on every possession, then attempts to dunk on the shortest person there. In kickball, he's the guy who's actually trying to strike people out, and who aims for the pitchers head on every kick. In softball, he's the guy who's been loading up on protein and practicing in the batting cages for over a month. He runs the opposing team's female catcher over while trying to steal home, and he screams at his teammates after a loss, but it's really not his fault: he was cut from every high school team he ever tried out for, and now he's stuck in a dead-end middle-management job where he gets no respect from anyone. He needs this power trip for his own personal validation. If only his dad were alive to see him now.

The Team Captain

This is the guy who got your team into the softball league (which involved sending an email) and who organized the team (which involved sending another email). Because of his tireless efforts, he feels like the team is actually his team. He's not the most experienced player, and he's definitely not the most talented player either, but he acts as the spokesman and leader for all of you. He calls the shots and makes up the batting orders (which he thinks matters for some reason), and worst of all: he wants to play shortstop all the time. And he's a terrible shortstop. In fact, he's an all-around terrible softball player. Sure, he's the reason why your team exists in the first place, but he's also the reason why your team really sucks, too.

The Girl Who Can't Play

This girl has never played a sport in her entire life. Sure, she drops the ball 25 times a game, but she also has to pick the ball up 25 times. Some of the guys on the team will still give her a hi-five when she strikes out for the 7th time, but it's not because they appreciate her effort, or her presence as a player. It's because they secretly think they have a chance in hell to date her, but when in reality they have no shot. But when it comes to playing softball, a comatose quadriplegic in an iron lung would be a more valuable teammate, because at least he would shut up once in a while.

The Guy Who Loves the Girl Who Can't Play

Everyone agrees unanimously that The Girl Who Can't Play is one of the most attractive girls on the team, but there's only one team member who thinks that she's the hottest piece on the entire planet. The Guy That Loves The Girl Who Can't Play is only on the softball team for one reason: to be in the presence of the Girl Who Can't Play. He will be at every single game no matter what, because who knows what would happen if he missed a game? That might be the one night when The Girl Who Can't Play decides that she's ready to fall in love with him, and it would totally suck if he was at home watching Night Court re-runs when that happened. He's hardly a good player, but he tries really hard because he's showing off, and in his mind, one game-saving play could get him the girl of his dreams. Sure, he's completely delusional, but a softball game is more about headcount than actual skill anyway, so it's good to have someone who you know is going to show up no matter what.

The Former Softball Player

The former softball player is clearly way out of your league, as far as softball skills are concerned. She dresses appropriately for a softball game, but there's a flare in her eye telling you that, deep down inside, she wants to kick some ass. Softball is meant to be an activity for men with fading athletic skill to get slightly drunk and go hit some balls around on a weeknight. Nobody wants Xena showing up and making them look like limp-wristed little girls. Her biceps are bigger than yours, she can throw the ball farther than you can, and whatever the conspicuous bulge in the front of her shorts is, that seems to be bigger than yours as well. If her physical prowess weren't enough to intimidate you, then the fact that she knows more baseball jargon than Yogi Berra should be a clear indication that she's just not right for the team, but she's your best chance of winning a game, so the two people on the team who actually care are going to use her as much as possible.

The Guy Who Doesn't Want to Play Softball

Softball is basically about two things: the sport of softball, and co-worker/friend comradery. Unfortunately, The Guy Who Doesn't Want to Play Softball has chosen to focus only on the latter point. While he's fully in favor of bonding with his co-workers and friends, he's not even remotely interested in playing softball. He doesn't even want to watch softball. In fact, he's wearing his work clothes, except with tennis shoes and a ball glove on. He's easy to spot: he'll be the guy who's constantly shimmying his way down to the end of the bench so that he'll never have to bat, and he'll try to run to the bathroom every time your team has to take the field. In a game situation, he's completely worthless. He doesn't even pretend to try, because for him the game doesn't start until everyone goes to the bar for a quick post-game drink.

The Guy Who Always Gets Hurt

There's always one guy who turns out to be the Glass Joe of your softball team. He shows up with every joint wrapped up like an Gypsy in a sandstorm, and he seems to have a new pestering ailment at every single game. Like an sick infant, he's constantly nursing things and bumming people out. Old high school football injury? He's got one of those. Injury from an obscure sport played in the quad of a college campus? Yep, he's got one of those, too. Some back spasm thing that resulted from falling off of a ladder while he was trying to hang christmas lights last year? He's got three of those. Prepare yourself, because at some point during the game, he's going to cause a thirty minute delay by twisting his ankle while sliding into third base. Don't even think about starting to have fun at this game, because whatever enjoyment you manage to build up, this guy's going to suck the wind right out of it, leaving you exactly where you should be at the company softball game: dirty, sweaty, and completely miserable.